by A.N.P
"You see, the thing's a sure fortune," said the acrobat—a handsome, well-built young fellow of about twenty. "I intend to bring it out at the next Christmas pantomime at the Royal, and you'll see it'll have such a run that I'll make a fortune by it."
"Well, tell me what's it all about?"
"You see, it's a machine, like a box, two feet square by six inches deep. This contains a powerful spring, so that when one jumps upon it it'll send him flying for about a couple of hundred feet. You see, I've spent a lot of time and money on the thing, and I've got it fixed so nicely now that I can regulate it just as I wish. Besides, the beauty of the thing is that it re-adjusts itself and can be used as often as one pleases."
"Well, and what do you intend to do with it?"
"You see, I'll have the machine fixed level with the stage just in front of the footlights; then I'll have a trapeze fixed right over the heads of the people in the gallery, close to the ceiling, more than a hundred feet high; then I'll have the stage arranged like a forest, and I'll come on dressed up like Old Nick,"
"I thought he never dressed in his warm place?"
"Oh, you know what I mean—black tights, a tail, and all that kind of thing."
"Well, go on."
"You see, after jumping about a bit from one tree to another, I'll suddenly jump on the machine and fly up, right over their heads, to the trapeze. That'll astonish them, you bet! Then, after doing a trick or two on the trapeze, I'll get down to the stage again in no time and do the thing over again."
"Well, and what do you want me to do?"
"You see, I don't exactly know how high the thing will throw me, and I can't well try it in a room for fear of getting hurt; so I thought if you would go with me to the St. Kilda beach we might try it there close to the water, and if I should come down head first it wouldn't hurt me much, you know. You see, I'm not very flush of cash just now and the thing is too heavy to carry, so if you wouldn't mind the expense of a buggy we could go down some morning early, when no one's about."
"All right! I'll do that with pleasure, and I'll call for you to-morrow morning at five."
How delightfully fresh and happy one feels at twenty with a good constitution and a lot of hard, bright sovereigns, jingling in one's trouser pockets, and sitting behind a good, fast trotter, spinning along the streets of our beautiful Melbourne early in the bright summer's morning with the rich odours from the gardens, mingling with the sea breeze, wafted towards you; when one feels glad of existence and could forgive his enemies!
The "machine" was safely stowed away beneath the seat, together with a couple of bottles of cool Riesling, some delicious grapes, and a few biscuits, provided for our al fresco breakfast. After selecting a suitable spot on the beach, we proceeded to fix the apparatus in the sand a few feet from the waters edge.
"You see," said my friend, "you must stand in front and look out and notice exactly where I drop, so that we can measure the distance. Don't look at me or the machine, but keep your eye on the water and mark the spot."
I did as desired, and after a little while distinctly heard the "click" of the machine, but as Pat would say, "divil a splash did I see at all." I now looked up, expecting to see my friend descending from the clouds. But no, not even when I looked round at the machine could I see him, not a sign of him. I called out and asked "where he was," but either he did not hear me or did not wish me to know "where he was." At last I went to a clump of mimosa trees, commonly called "prickly Moses," some fifty yards off, and there I found him, flat on his back and just recovering consciousness. After ascertaining that he was not seriously hurt, I asked however it happened.
"You see, the blessed thing went off the wrong way and threw me back instead of forwards. I'll have to invent something to prevent that before I try it again."
Just then an elderly gentleman with brass spectacles on his nose and a white necktie; reading a book, came slowly along the beach. All of a sudden he was "fired" up in the air, and dropped some hundred yards away in the water.
"You see," said my friend, "this time the confounding thing went off all right."
Not wishing to make our public appearance with the machine before a magistrate, we modestly retired behind the "pricky Moses" until the old gentleman had time to come to his senses and had minutely inspected the cause of his journey heavenward. No doubt he came to the conclusion that it was some infernal contrivance belonging to the torpedo corps, and after shaking his clothes and his head he slowly walked away—a sadder and a wetter man. On our way home my friend asked whether I would be willing to advance a pound or two on the concern until he could find means to perfect it. Thinking the thing might come in handy to play a practical joke on my future mother-in-law, I consented, and thus became the proud possessor of the acrobat's "sure fortune." I am now only waiting for some young lady to give me the chance to use it.
Warragul Guardian and Buln Buln and Narracan Shire Advocate, Thursday 25 November 1880, page 3
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